Saturday, February 12, 2011

The pits

Do you ever go back and read old posts? Or maybe open your journal and just start reading past entrys?

Sometimes when I can't sleep I like to go back and read past events. Usually it helps me get tired and I'm able to fall fast asleep. But other times...

I wish I hadn't.

For some reason I haven't been able to sleep lately. It might be due to the fact I've been having a ton of dreams about Jesse. I couldn't really tell you what they're about because usually it just involves me intently watching him. It's like I'm replaying memories from our childhood in slow motion and sucking in every smile, every laugh, every move he makes. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wake up from those dreams both so happy and full of love and also full of pain. I miss my little brother. This last week was the 7 month mark since he passed away...but sometimes it feels like it's happening all over again and it's unbearable.

Sometimes I cry alone. Other times Matthew will hold me and cradle me in his arms. Or we'll cry together.

Looking back, I never thought I would be happy again. I thought I'd be sad or numb forever. I thought the hole in my heart would never heal and eventually the strain of holding back the tears and agony would become too exhausting and I would break. But luckily, when the sadness gets so heavy, so real, I feel the Savior's love immediately. I know such a comfort and peace can only come from one person and that is my Heavenly Father.

So here I stand...definitely a different person than I use to be...but I'm happy.

I'm happy again and grateful to be.

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