cancer

I haven't shared this before. Mostly because I felt it wasn't mine to share. But tonight I find myself overwhelmed, crying all kinds of nastiness and needing a place to put my thoughts.

In July my eldest sister was diagnosed with stage 3, level 3, colon cancer. 

 It was a surprise and shock to everyone. She's a young 32 years old, had just finished her first year back at school, she's a wife and step-mother and looked forward to having babies of her own. She's someone I look up to in so many ways and love as deeply as you could only love a sister. 

For as long as I can remember she's always been there for me. Growing up I had my fair share of health problems. I was either breaking bones or in the emergency room to get my appendix out or something or other. Her and her roommate would visit me and make me posters and get well cards. As I grew up and she continued to be there through other challenges other than health. She'd listen to me talk about boys and plan fun girl days. 

It wasn't until all this happened that I realized how she's always been there for me but I've never had the opportunity to be there for her. She just always seemed happy and living life exactly how she planned and wanted. And now I can't help but think how badly I want to be there and support her in her time of need. 

I know it will be okay. She will be okay. I will be okay. And my family will be okay. That doesn't mean that I don't have the darkest, scariest fear whispering in my mind and heart every day, but it means that I have faith and hope. I've felt first hand how real the Savior is and how healing his love can be. I know that he gives us experiences we need to shape and shift us into the people he needs us to be. And for that I will try to be grateful for this experience too. 

Plus, us Allen's, we're strong, stubborn fighters. {Ask our husbands.} And I know my sister is not going to take this lying down.