Confessions

It's late. What am I saying, it's 1:32AM...it's early.

I can't sleep. I can't get The Holly and the Ivy by Natalie Cole out of my head. And I can't stop that stinging in your eyes or swelling in your chest you get right before your about to cry.

Everyone who knows me knows that there are 3, ok maybe 5, things in this life that I love more than anything. They make me who I am :) in both good and bad ways.

The first. Pencils. Yeah, if you don't know me than this will sound really weird and maybe a little creepy. I'd promise it's not AT ALL, but your going to think what your going think! So... I love the smell of pencils. I love the eraser. I love the feel of the lead (or graphite) on my skin. And not in any sexual pervy way either, that's just gross guys. But I rest the cold lead on my cuticles, corner of my mouth, and corner of my eyes -- don't judge me, and it relaxes me. I have favorite brands, and brands I hate. I have an addiction or OCD some might say and I'll be the first to admit...it's weird. Like, really weird. Like, "Wow! I thought this girl was weird before, but now she's a freak!!" Haha. But I like them. And no matter how hard I've tried to abandon this weird habit, I can't.

The second, Christmas. I've written about 10 blogposts over the lash year that haven't made it past the "draft" phase, just trying to explain how amazing Christmas is and why it's so special to me. In a very teeny teeny teeny tiny nut shell, it's all about the feeling and beauty of Christmas, not so much the gifts...like at all. I don't know how my parents did what they did, because I know with 8 kids and a tight budget it could easily be more stressful than fun, but my parents really instilled the true meaning of Christmas and in a way that we all loved. They kept everything centered on family and the gospel. They explained the symbolism to every Christmas decoration or ornament, they involved us in decorating and Christmas shopping, everything! And that is what started the little Christmas fire in my heart. Since, as I've felt my Heavenly Father and the Savior's love for me, that desire to have the "Christmas" spirit (which is really the Holy Ghost) has just grown and grown. So I will always watch and listen to Christmas music in March, and July and any other time of year!

Third, and people these are not in any kind of order, my family and Sawyer. My family for obvious reasons. Like anyone's family, they can drive you bonkers, but ultimately I love them and am one blessed lady to be apart of such an awesome good looking group of people. And Sawyer because he has become my unborn child. Seriously, when we watch a scary movie where a child gets kidnapped I immediately imagine it's Sawyer and I want to cry. And before I even realize how ridiculous that is (who would ever kidnap a dog?!?!) I'm already choking up and Matt's asking what's wrong and we're having a conversation about how much we'd be willing to pay ransom for our precious puppy. He is basically a person, ok? And completely a part of our family.

Fourth, my husband. Hands down I would give up everything I've listed already without a doubt for Matthew. I'll always remember a story my seminary teacher told us in 9th grade. It was actually more of a scenario, but anyway...He said, oh and by the way, this is an important fact, this teacher happened to be a younger man that was "super attractive," his wife was gorgeous, everyone thought he was awesome, his kids were adorable, just an all around cool beans teacher that got everyone super stoked on seminary, MEANING: he had what appeared a good, happy life. Ok, so he said, "If I was on a sinking boat with my wife and children and could only save 1 person, it would be my wife EVERY TIME. No matter who was on that boat with me, my parents, my brothers or sister...I'm only half of me without my wife." That has always stuck with me. Before I thought it was sad, but normal, for people to love each other and then have kids and suddenly their kids are their world, not their spouse. I've never had a child, so I don't know what that love is like and Matt and I talk and dream about the day we'll have kids of our own, but will I ever love them MORE than my husband? Never. I imagine the love must be different, not more or less. The difference is Matt is my other half, not my future children. I won't make it back into the celestial kingdom without him, just like he won't make it back without me. I can't save myself without saving him too. I love him. And I would give anything for him.

Fifth, the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm not a perfect person. Not even close! But I have a strong testimony and an even stronger desire to try to be the daughter of God I know I am.

And that is why my eyes are stingy and my chest is swelly...swollen?...swelly. My Heavenly Father is just that, my father. And he knows my weirdness, imperfections and all, and loves me regardless. He is perfect in every way and yet he truly loves me. And not just me, but everyone. Every person. The homeless I see every day. The guy at the bank who asks too many questions. The girl who I made fun of in my last post...he loves her just as much as he loves me, which is A LOT!

After my last post I started thinking a lot about the kind of "teasing" I do. And I couldn't help but feel icky and ashamed of myself. Not that I thought her advice was totally hilarious, because it was, but that I made fun of her for it. So I want to apologize to anyone who read it and wasn't up-lifted.

Because up-lifting is all I want to do.

...while I cuddle with my Hubby and pup in front of the fire, listening to Christmas music with my pencil, of course :)