Wednesday, October 19, 2011

and why is the divorce rate so high?

The most lovely and fun part about blogging and exploring other peoples blogs is that you get a lot of advice from very [sarcasm]--> smart people.

Saturday I woke up feeling pretty lousy and by 9PM I was moaning and groaning on the couch. By Monday Matt had joined me. We were fevery. We were achey. We were sick.
And it sucked major lame beans.

Except for the part that inspired this lovely post by yours truly, me.

As Matt and I lay sprawled on the couch piled high with blankets and pillows, Alka-seltzer wrappers and cough drops, we took the opportunity to do some internetz browsing. And we found a blog, that shall remain nameless, that just really made us laugh and hit our funny bones.

There are certain types of bloggers, and although I'm not paid to professionally label blogs, I think it's safe to say hers would have gone under the "I'm so smart, I know exactly what I'm talking about, even though I really don't, because you can clearly tell by the poop dripping from my lips....Also, I'm very deep and poetic and that's why I get tattoos of skeletons and pumpkins because I have a spiritual connection to creepy things like that. Oh! And I like to have tattoos of boobs because I think guys like that."
And although, that could very possibly be true, I find it humorous when such a person would think their marriage advice would not only be accurate but, should in-fact, be shared with the world.

So because I also am very deep and poetic, and even though I may not have tattoos of spider webs or a hand flipping you off, I'm going to share all the marriage advice I wish someone would have given me...

Don't make out with other people.
Always flush the toilet after you go number 2...or number 1 for that matter. People don't like flushing other peoples numbers.
Don't punch your spouse in the face.
Have "girls night" at LEAST 6 times a week. Because it's very important to get away from your husband and get marriage counseling from your friends, they're really smart and know exactly what they're talking about. Also, how else are you suppose to know your husband isn't the only crappy one?
Try to remember to hold hands. Then people will think your in love, and it's easier to fake
Remember to say "I love you." For the same reason as holding their hand.
Turn The Real Housewives down when he's talking to you. It makes him think you care.
Make sure to set an alarm reminding you of your date nights because you owe it to each other to spend time together at least...twice a year.
Always have dinner ready on time, because if you don't he'll get angry and possibly leave you.
If it's your spouses birthday, put out. It's the law.
And the last and very most important one Never ever ever lose yourself in them. Because then you'll be lost, hence the losing yourself part.

Am I terrible? The scary part is that I took a lot of this advice from the friend mentioned above. Her big kicker at the end was that, "Marriage is really really hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever been a part of.'s worth it, because I know if something really bad happens, he'll be there."

I guess that's the real advice friends...if something really bad happens...your spouse will always be there.
*Face in palm*


  1. "If it's your spouses birthday, put out. It's the law."

    Oh my gosh, I died laughing when I read this one!

  2. SO FUNNY!

    Jermaine's put a bunch of pictures of moose up in our bathroom just to torment me for when I forget to flush the toilet...TMI, but you started it!