break through

Since Mr. Matthew and I have been married there has been a big fat elephant in the room, my heart. And I do mean my physical heart, that like pumps blood and stuff. Not the one rappers and singers talk about in love songs. Rappers talk about love, right?

Basically, I have a very annoying heart that likes to do annoying things sometimes. It use to be a huge problem and has slowly gotten better. I have a few bad days, or weeks, where it likes to pop up and say "HI!" (in a very up-in-your-face kind of way.) But for the most part I'm able to live my life and forget about the big fat elephant. And it's wonderful. But those few times where it get's all slow and I can't breath very well, really freaks Matt out. So I don't blame him at all when he immediately wants to take me to the doctor and start doing tests. The only thing is, I've done all of that before...so many times! And every time it's inconclusive, they have no idea. They diagnose me with this, and then take it back, then diagnose me with something else and take it back. I just have a weird heart! And because of this I'm so reluctant to do any kind of tests or research.

But regardless of what my stubborn self feels, I am a married woman now, which means what my Mr. Matthew feels and thinks is equally important. So I finally agreed to casually do more tests. There's a research center that's not too far away that specializes in HCM (I would go into it except I already have in this and this post) and Matt really wants me to go in and see if they have any new information. The first step is compiling all my past medical records, which is such a chore, but guess what? I did it!

And even though it sounds like a little thing. I'm really proud of myself. There's been a lot of talk about getting an ICD (you can check that out over here) and for some reason it completely freaks me out. I'm majorly claustrophobic and thinking about having a little machine in me permanently?...bring on the anxiety attack.

But Matt has been so patient and loving with me through all of this.

My biggest fear was that I'd fall in love and when Mr. Right found out about my heart he would want nothing to do with it or me. Granted, this fear was aroused by doctors who told me of a patient that actually happened to, and the poor girl was engaged and had to call off her wedding and yeah... Why the doctor would tell me this? I don't know. But it was a legitimate fear. It still is. Any time my heart starts to get annoying the last thing I want is people knowing. And I realize this is a public blog and that by posting this I'm telling people about it, but at the same time this is more of a place for me to put my thoughts, random life events, big life events, things I find funny, etc. etc.

Also, I acknowledge this is a small blog and only my family and few friends read this.

But by some miracle of fate I met a man that isn't terrified of my crazy heart. Nor is he in any way pushy or impatient with me. He supports me when I feel overwhelmed and encourages me when I feel discouraged.

(Oops! How'd that get in there??...insert big cheesy grin here)

Mr. Right actually ended up being the right one. And I am eternally grateful for that.