I've realized something.
was not my best summer.
That may sound stupid but it was a huge realization! And took a long time for me to accept. The reason? Well, isn't it obvious? This was suppose to be my best summer because this was the summer I got to go through the temple for the first time. The summer I got to sit in the Celestial room and feel my sweet Father in Heaven's love more strongly than ever before. This was the summer my life finally made sense again...in the last 2-3 years FINALLY, I was on a road not just going somewhere but going somewhere RIGHT and worth while. This was the summer my best friend, my other half (figuratively, but practically literally) and I were able to be sealed together for time and eternity. The summer I wore my big white dress. The summer I looked across the alter at my most amazing, patient and sweet husband and knew everything was going to be alright. It was the summer we danced. It was the summer I went to Hawaii for the first time. It should have been, was a total and complete recipe for MY perfect summer...but it wasn't. And all I have to say about it? Well first...
How selfish am I?
How selfish, that such a simple little thought could break me inside.
I should be glad...but let's be honest. I'm not. It just sucks.
I hear so many people around me who rave and rant about how "THIS was THE BEST summer."...for them. Ha. I laugh at myself because every time I hear that it's like someone is pushing this self explode button inside me and I become so mad, so angry and bitter...it's unbearable.
I'm not usually an angry person. In fact I like to think I've become pretty good at staying calm during trying and difficult times but I can't tell you, haha, I feel like a crazy person every time someone talks about how their summer was THE best! It was NOOOOOT the best summer, people!! And then I want to poke them in the eye. Haha. See? Anger. Even violence!...it's not me.
But as I was laying in bed this morning and thinking about everything, I had an idea. I think I finally accepted even though this summer had every ingredient for an awesome summer and maybe even for the best summer...it wasn't. In fact, it sucked. It sucked balls!! I hated it. I would give everything I had if I could redo and take away this summer. And that may sound ridiculous and even as I think it and feel it, I wonder, would I really give up everything? To have Jesse back?
And then I cry.
It's the most sweet bitter I've ever felt.
No. I wouldn't give up my amazing husband or my family. But would I have given anything and everything I could. Yes. So there it is. This summer has sucked. Nothing can change it. It's a part of my life and it always will be. Bringing both tears of joy and sadness.
Then I started thinking about this last Friday.
I just went to see my cardiologist in California again and got some new and different news. Over the phone he had told me my hypertrophic cardiomyopathy was gone. He corrected himself while we were there and told me it wasn't gone after all, it had just moved from my left ventricle up into my atrium...and although it wasn't typical hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, it was very complex. Don't ask me how that happens? No one knows. I continue to be a medical mystery. My heart forever changing and growing...just like me.
So I have all these things consuming my life right now...
And they're the perfect ingredients for a miserably depressed person...hey I can admit it =)
But then I a new thought came to me.
My mother gave us all pictures of Jesse in a nice frame to keep in our home. Matt and I chose to put it on our dresser so we can see him when we go to bed. That way we can remember to pray for sweet dreams, pray for his and the Lord's protection (yes, I like to think Jesse is my guardian angel...even if he doesn't want to be, he's stuck with it because I wont stop praying for it. Haha) And then when we first wake up. So we can remember everything he taught us. So his memory (with the Lord's strength) can help us as we go about our day. But when I saw his picture this particular time...I laughed. I got the biggest grin and felt so relieved because FINALLY, finally I realized it was fall...Looking at his picture and his big grin I thought, "Thank GOODNESS!! Thank goodness Jesse, because now...this SUCKY, CRAPPY summer is finally over. It's fall!" =)
(Picture by my dear friend Falcon)
Fall is here and with that a new start. A new season.
And then I cried again. Haha.
Knowing he wont be here with us for that either, not physically, it's still going to be hard. But I asked him to please be with us in spirit as much as our Father in Heaven could spare, so that it could be my family and I's best fall and winter EVER. It's still going to be hard, I accepted my crappy summer and with that have accepted life goes on. It really does. As much as it feels it stopped (or should have) but with all the new memories and exciting things going on, even though we wont be able to see Jesse, he will be with us! And it will be possible to have our best summer again and again.
I'm bitter. Ha. I'm human!
Sometimes I'm very angry and sometimes I'm just sad.
But not always =)
So I have all these things consuming my life right now and I realized...
It's not over. So let people have their best summer...I'll get mine soon enough. And when I do, it will be amazing and kick all the other best summer's butts =)